Friday, October 10, 2014

Expectations

"You have a 10% chance of ever conceiving a child..."


Most of my friends and family know that I am not married, not in a relationship, and not actively trying to have a child. But this was the sentence that my gynecologist said to me a week ago that sent me into a tailspin. 

Ever since I was 13 I have had extremely irregular periods, painful menstruation, and mood altering PMS. I couldn't wear tampons because they physically *hurt* and I was prone to severe yeast or bacterial infections twice a month. I never was told it was anything out of the ordinary, so I just dealt with it.

I began seeing a gynecologist at 25 because I was sexually active and wanted to remain in good health, but I also was experiencing extremely painful intercourse. Every doctor I saw told me it was psychological because of my anxiety and I was triggering muscular contractions. So I went on stronger medication to no avail. I had read that all of my symptoms up until this moment were similar to that of low estrogen or women entering menopause, but I was dismissed immediately (with no testing I might add). Then I went on the birth control shot Depo Provera and after 3 months of daily bleeding and only 2 shots my periods stopped permanently (since November 2013). Again, I was told "this is normal" and that's when I decided it wasn't normal.

"You have a 10% chance of ever conceiving a child..."


My currently doctor is a wonderful woman - she is very knowledgable and actually listens to her patients. When I told her of my history she recommended a full panel - STD, Pap, Fertility, HPV, the works...

I've never really had any maternal instincts beyond thinking my friends have cute kids and having the desire to take care of a child while he's in my charge at a school. I always figured I'd have a kid just to have a kid. It was eventually inevitable. I've never been baby crazy. But when my doctor told me that sentence I can honestly admit I sobbed like a woman who had been trying for 6 years to have a baby. I am not sure why....maybe deep down I wanted to know I had a 100% chance? Maybe I thought this was karma for all my ugly baby jokes? Maybe I just don't like being told I can't do something perfectly.

After a week of thinking about it, I began to see it how I see marriage for myself. Ever since I was in 2nd grade I never could pick one crush - how can one pick between Ricky or Paul? Seriously.

I wanted a boyfriend because all my friends had one. I wanted a relationship because that's how people show affection. I wanted a WEDDING for the sake of a kick ASS party. But I don't think I have ever wanted commitment or marriage. I have dated since I was 13 and I have never been with someone longer than 6 months - I get bored, I get selfish, I play games. I love the chase and the notion, but I don't like the reality. I think that's how I see children - I like the idea, but I know deep down I am too selfish and flaky to be a good parent. 

This does not make me a bad person. 

I think having a baby for the wrong reasons would make me a bad person. And I hope my friends and family would agree.

"You have a 10% chance of ever conceiving a child..."


Everyone has a fear of being alone. Growing old with no one and forgetting who you were. A lot of people (at least me) think that can be remedied by a spouse, children, grand children....but who can prove that for certain? I think that if I put all my dried up eggs into that basket I will miss out on some great experiences. I am learning now that you don't need marriage and kids to be happy - you don't NEED to WANT that. If it happens it happens, but it's ok if it doesn't. You can find companionship and love in so many things. But it's the fear of not feeling that emotional freedom that is crippling. 

The truth is, if you keep focusing on the "what if's" you might miss out on the chance for a reality. So that's what this has made me turn my focus to. I need to stop planning for something I see as an empty obligation and find something that I want. 

I have a 90% chance.