Saturday, September 20, 2014

Your Twenties Are For...

Lessons in my late 20s

People older than 29 will just nod their head in quiet acceptance and solidarity. People younger than 22 will just call me out on my cynicism “but these are your best years!”

Never said they aren’t…but isn’t high school, if John Hughes has any say in it, your best and most formative years? 

Then you start hearing “College is the best years!!!” then you really get hit with “your life doesn’t start until you’re a parent.”

I can say that college was the best 6 years of my life as far as discovering who I was in a non experimenting with drugs and women type of thing. 

But after 22 the big lessons came and I am pretty confident in naming some.

If you get a bad hair cut - it’s ok. Like. Really. I am just as shocked as you are. My hair was once buzzed off with a faux hawk on top and dyed platinum blonde. And I laughed, bought a Coldplay hat, and moved on. Maybe it was denial or a mental breakdown, but I like to think it was me not sweating the small stuff

Don’t knock thrift stores - some of the clothes I spent all my money on I can find at them in practically new condition. I also can sell old clothes for a good profit. Also if you think “ewww a person WORE those jeans” imagine how it must be in dressing rooms black Friday when 500 women tried on that bra, that swim suit, and those jeans.

Stop playing romantic games. You’re not 14. If you like a man tell him. It’s that simple. Don’t play coy, or stupid - real men don’t like that. Be confident and straight up. If he pisses you off or hurts your feelings then say goodbye and make your best friend delete his number from your phone (because you won’t. We know you are a liar)

You know how when we were 13 and made fun of people in their 20s and 30s shopping in the misses section, looking at glittery tops? Don’t. Be. That. Person. I was that person in Maurices and I felt like a granny as I thought to myself “this can’t be a dress!!! It’s too short!!!” Yes. It was a dress. And it did not look good on my slowing metabolism.

Get a pet. Pets are amazing monsters that give you reasons to go outside and meet other people. Also when you’re feeling scared or sick they can cuddle you. They also think you look amazing in that dress.

For God’s sake you look fine in that outfit! You will love clothing no more than in that dressing room in its unflattering light. The shopping high is upon you.  If you don’t love it to death in there all smudged make up, sunglasses caught in hair, and socks on with a dress; you won’t love it when you get it home.

Your 22-25 age will suck because friends will start moving away, marrying, becoming parents. You will feel like a loser especially if you’re living at home, single, and a virgin like I was. A weird thing happens at 25. You wake up and all of a sudden, it doesn’t matter. You’re still you. You won’t believe this til it happens to you because I did not either. But it happens. 

You will drift away from your best friends in high school and it will devastate and break your heart. You will see them maybe once a year for a quick holiday meet up, but that’s it. And somehow you will know that this is just life. And it’s okay.

Make work friends. Even if you only see them at work - they will make 8 hours less tedious.

If you hate you job QUIT IT. Life is too short to be miserable and you’re a grown up so you know what is best - not mom and dad.

Spend your early twenties finding the perfect shampoo and make up to become your staples. You’ll save so much money later on. Also find a good hair color and shape. Its cute when you’re 22 and have pink hair one day and then buzzed off white hair the next, but at 27 people think you must take LSD. Also you hair will never look like it does in a commercial.

Buy cute flats. You’re gonna walk a lot in life up the hills and down the hills. And heels are not comfortable. You can finally admit that at 27.

ALL women have stretch marks on their butt and thighs and ALL women have those weird hairs we have to tweeze on our chest. Oh and that bikini line? Yup. Goes up your butt crack. Now that we know we all have these issues can we stop complaining about wanting to be so and so who doesn’t? If she does she is either 11 or she spends 1000 dollars a month on laser treatments.

Start going to real doctors in your twenties to make sure everything is ok regularly. Start taking that multi vitamin. Put on that damn jacket when its cold. Start voting so you can be one of the cool kids on social media that can legit complain about politics - ignorance is obvious. 

Watch more foreign films and listen to classic rock.

Have a wild dance party by yourself to 90s music that brings back wonderful memories of first kisses and horrible fights.

Biotin will never work. Stop wasting your money right now.