Sunday, May 27, 2012

Hello, my name is Jane Doe and I get my period.

This is how I feel every time I go into the drugstore to get maxi pads, tampons, midol, or tampax wipes - like I am going to some AA meeting for women who have their period and just want to quit because it is tearing the family APART! *shakes fists in a fit of rapture*

The aisle in my Walgreens is shared by the condoms, baby diapers, adult diapers, and embarrassing ointments for the lady garden. The only thing in that aisle that isn't embarrassing are the baby diapers because it's gross, but acceptable when a baby blows shit all over themselves. Also it means you have a cute baby at home. Plus there is NO WAY IN HELL that diaper is for you. You can easily disassociate that hygiene product from yourself.

I see it all the time - the girl goes into the store needing some tampons or pads and brother or husband waits patiently by her praying to the Norse Gods that no one sees him. Or the girl goes alone and has to buy 6 magazines and a pretty bottle of nail polish to disguise the box and remind the world "this is only temporary, guys! I am still adorkable!" And then the cashier (please Goddess let her be a woman!!!) asks very quietly "would you like a paper bag?" or checks it off first so she can hide it in a bag for you quickly.

Now I'm not gonna lie - I used to be that person. I was so MORTIFIED of anyone, ANYONE seeing me in that aisle of shame and stains that I would dawdle in the hardware or snack aisle until that aisle was empty before I ran in, grabbed my box, and bought a magazine to carry on top of it. Which is kind of weird since when I had my first period at 13 I thought "Finally! Bring on the boobs!" - I was SO excited. After a year my periods got heavier and crampier and I lost my admiration for the curse. Just recently I've stopped trying to mask the fact that I have my period - it's like, one day I woke up and said "I am 24 (almost 25, yipee!), I think it is kind of obvious that I would have my period by now." So I started walking with purpose to that back aisle covered in satanic symbols and cobwebs and began talking aloud to myself about the different brands and what would be best for me - *loving* it if someone walked by and heard me talking to my Always and Kotex.

I carry a netted bag with me to drug stores so I don't get a plastic bag and the cashier is always surprised when I beat him or her to it and say "oh no bag - thanks!" I'm just waiting for the chance to get a look of "AAAHHH PERIOD!!" so I can say "Guess what - I have it right now!!!"

It really pisses me off that in 2012 we can have commercials for KY jelly, stool softeners, and erectile dysfunction pills, but we can't have red water in our maxi pad commercials. Wanna talk about fucking confusing for a 7 year old! "Why yes Susie - your blood is red, but not when we have to talk about it" Since when did red get such a bad rap? Oh wait...it's because the blood is coming from our fucking vagina's (vaginae?)! So it's ok for you to get your ED pill in and your Trojan to use specifically for our wonder emporium, but God forbid anything but orgasms comes (cums? too far? Nah...) out of there!

Now I'm not regular so it's always an awesome guessing game of when my aunt Flo is gonna come to town, but when it does it's a reminder to me that I am healthy, I am a woman, I am fertile, and that I can bleed for 5 days and not die! It isn't fun - blood smells bad, there are clots, it has mucus, there is uterine lining, and there are terrible cramps from the uterus contracting. That is a fucking badge of honor! If I can deal with that every month then damnit if I want to yell at you for no reason I can!

So to all the men out there who leave the room when we mention our snatch - if it weren't for that you wouldn't be here so be thankful your mom had her period! Get over it. It happens to almost every woman (there are some medical exceptions) and it is natural. Much more so than your Viagra.

To all the women and girls who are embarrassed and ashamed of their menstruation - It is what makes the feminine energy so powerful, it is what makes the plants grow, it is what babies are brought into this world from and it is what signifies of our powerful sexuality throughout the Maiden, Mother, and Crone stages of our life. You are a part of a greater mystery out there that has stumped philosophers and mesmerized those seeking beyond the obvious.

I'm not even on period so you can't blame my rant/revelation mix on that! Ha!